Friday, May 2, 2014



This is my Momma around 3rd grade.  Cracks me up…I can see Ryan in her eyes.  I didn’t realize how much my nephew looked like her until now.

I wish this would be a warm and sweet blog about my Momma – it’s not.  I am so mad…no I am pissed.  I am so angry with her and have been for some time.   I know, I shouldn’t be angry it was her dementia.  But the last few years have just sucked especially the last year of her life. 

Nothing could make her happy. 


She would have moments of happiness but they would quickly fade,

She was so mean to my Daddy.  I would worry about him because if she was THAT mean to him in front of me..what happened behind closed doors?  He loved her.  He loved her so much.  I never heard my Daddy say ONE negative, or cross word about my Mom.  If I would start bitching about her he would call me down and tell me “shut the hell up that’s my girl your talking about.” (She was his girl way before she was my Mother)  I have a mountain of respect for my Father for defending her…especially when she was mean to him.  I am trying to learn from him.  My Daddy never took me to church but he has taught me magnitudes about unconditional love – like Jesus.

So…it pains me to see the grief my Daddy is in.  Pain is not even the word.  My Daddy is grieving for the other part of his soul. 

He is just waiting.on.death.  And - God as much as I don’t want to lose my Daddy – ease his pain even it means he has to come home to be with Mom.

This life is 100% more painful then putting my Mother in the grave. I know where she is at playing with my Max, hanging with her brother Richard, and playing bridge.  but….my daddy is left



as he struggles to breathe.

And I am MAD.  It shouldn’t have been HIM first so that SHE could have seen HOW much he LOVED her and HOW horribly lonely the world is without the OTHER part of your heart!

She wouldn’t eat. 

She killed herself. 

My aneurysm didn’t kill me but it killed my Mom.

She was so thin and Dr. Norris begged her and pleaded with her to eat – again,  Double meat CHEESE burger with bacon and a large coke, followed by a milkshake, Snicker bars, ice cream, pies, cakes – anything with fat in it.







Then it happened.  A widow maker heart-attack in the middle of the night.  They got her stable but she wouldn’t eat.  Then the hospital lost her teeth.  She could only have soups.  I would bring her mashed potatoes, milk shakes, ice cream..but she wouldn’t eat.

The last day on earth that she was here I stayed all day with her BEGGING,  CRYING, and shaking her to wake up and please try to eat a little PLEASE!

there was no response.

I knew it was the end.  she was gone.

I had to tell my Daddy that the love of his life would not be coming home.

I had to take him to see her body and watch him fall to piece, drop his hat, and cradle her dead body and sob…not cry but sob.  Have you seen your Daddy sob?  It sucks.

We have today.

That’s what God has giving me and my Dad.

Ease his pain – please Father in Heaven – ease his pain or take him home.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

It's hard. It's so hard. It just is. Take a deep breath. God can handle your being mad. He can take it. If you can keep your Dad talking to you about it, it's a good thing. If you can keep him going out into the world and seeing sunshine, it's a good thing. I couldn't pull those things off. There's only so much you can do when it's not a child and you're not the parent.