Saturday, April 19, 2014


I just feel so…..

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This is going to be a pity party for Tina.  So you might want to disconnect now.

I just feel disconnected from everything and it stinks. People going on vacation, leaving town, having parties, going to lunches and here I sit in my pajamas going on day two maybe day three of no bath in the same pajamas type way.

Yep…I am depressed.  Not sure why.  I have an amazing testimony. I should be dead but I am alive. I have two beautiful, fun, and very spirited little hares. My husband loves me to the moon and back and then some. I have a great young girl (Ashley) that come into my house everyday except Saturday to watch my little hares; she does some housework and helps me stay on top of the laundry.  I have plenty of food, a warm…okay not so warm home, great friends but…I am in this funk that I just can’t KICK!

Yes.  Am on an anti-depression medication.  Side-effects to this medicine…depression and drowsiness. Go figure?!?!? Depression treating depression?!?!  So…I take this little blue pill in the morning and within the hour I have to lay down for an hour…thank God for Ashley.  I should take it at night…right? Thankfully I am not normal so that little blue pill does the reverse thing at night.  For some unknown reason I get anxiety at night….well there is a reason…the doctors say it’s caused from my annie. And the little blue pill only makes it worse. Speaking of is her lovely picture. The tiny dot by the numbers is her…ain’t she annieAnyway…have you ever had anxiety?  Me neither until they cracked opened my skull and put me back together.  It stinks too.  At night when I lay down down all comfy & cozy. My mind starts racing over all kinds of things at once.  Did I pay all of Dad’s bills this month?  What am I going to fix for dinner tomorrow?  I wonder if I am doing enough for John’s education? I wonder if all my sister-in-laws are mad at me – at once? Did I give J & C enough attention? – did I give Randy enough attention? Where is the money going to come from? My house is such a mess and so disorganized. When is the last time I washed my sheets? I wonder how long Allen is going to be mad at me & Randy, why is he mad…it was me that was hurt in the first place - not him…why am I begging for his forgiveness when I was the one hurt..I can guarantee he is not in his bed chewing on this..he is dreaming of his Alaskan cruise.  When is the last time Christina had a bath?  What about John..did I apply all of his itchy medicine to him today?  Oh I so do love my small group and my new homeschool friends – I should call them or maybe text them. I hope they don’t read my blog…my picture perfect life that I put out there will be unveiled.  I wonder how Dad is doing.  I miss being on the board of PCHEA…are you kidding me…we are barely getting 1st grade done without adding anymore to this plate. I have to go to the gym trainer will be asking me how I I confess the DQ Blizzard…nah..she won’t be reading this.  I should blog about would make me feel better.  And repeat from the top.

So…in order to go to sleep I have to medicate myself again to stop all these thoughts.  The doctor gave me a sleepy/relaxing pill that OF COURSE does the exact opposite.  So I have my nighttime prayers & scriptures followed by some Advil PM, some melatonin, herbal tea, a heating pad, and my latest…an app on my iphone that is a woman speaking happy, and warm thoughts over me.  Night time is a bummer.

Yesterday was hard.  I found out that my oldest and very best of friend has been diagnosed with a life-time illness that I refuse to speak of and curse it in JESUS name.  My Dad wanted to see Mom and it just SUCKS to see my Dad cry and the pain he is in.  And it pisses me off that my brothers have NO FREAKIN CLUE to his pain and I have a front row seat to his pain and suffering.  It just bites and it just hurts!  Dad was crying over Mom’s grave and asked “when will my bench be in?”  The bench that I decided not to buy because $2000. for a BENCH is crazy!!  Well…I stopped by the office at the cemetery and paid $2500. for a bench for my Dad as we were leaving.

I am just so sad.

I told you…oh poor Tina


Angela S said...

Good for you for posting. There are some ugly times in my blog (it is private if you ever want an invite, I don't post much now that my kids are older) from the years I was sick. It was a place to vent. Gotta love when meds cause more meds. I love you and your testimony even when you're cranky.

Tanya said...

Know what Sister? I dont' care that you need to vent a little, I am happy to see you blogging's a step back to things that gave you joy, a creative outlet and a chance to let your humor shine. I have had touches of anxiety and my hubby, daughter, sister and Mother-in-law can all testify right along with you. The meds for them help, but are tricky...take at same time all the time, build up slowly, tweak as needed, lather rinse repeat lol!!

I am sorry that your days of gray are lasting as long as they are and I would do anything I could to ease that for you. That said, I know of NO ONE better able to weather this time than have defied illness, thumbed your nose at grim diagnosis and give the dev** the boot and the Lord the praise for it all! But I know, sometimes it all just sucks! You are human love, and humans just feel crappy sometimes and it's ok to vent, rant, wail, rage and fuss. Especially here to those who love you, no matter what the mood, stress, or punches life is throwing your are loved dearly irregardless. You are always in my prayers and thoughts dear friend.