Change….

Here I go again…..

I love food. I love all sorts of food especially the really bad stuff like cheese, sugar, pastas, butter, heavy creams, and anything that contains the word frosting. I love to cook too . However I cook the bad stuff really good…Paula Deen style. Everything I cook has at least one or two if the following ingredients: at least 3 pounds of cheese, a quart of heavy cream or a stick or two of butter. This style or mind frame of cooking has now got me severely obese.

I have always had a low self-imagine - I am not sure why that is. My parents did nothing but encourage me constantly - they never told me I was fat or needed to diet. But somewhere along the way I decided I was fat and my weight has been this dragon that I have been trying to slay for the past 20+ years. I have tried almost all of the fad diets – cabbage soup, atkins, south beach, heart healthy, weight watchers, slim fast, pills, shots – you name it…I’ve been there. I have talked to a doctor about gastric bypass and the lap-band but I that won’t work either…this has to be a lifestyle change.

I can’t keep going like this. I have a small boy that is sitting in the front row absorbing everything I am doing….and doing his best to imitate everything I do. I don’t want him to have these same issues as he gets older. I want to be able to do fun stuff with him…and keep up with him. I know…I can’t do this by myself but I don’t know how to do this. How do I learn….how do I break the cycle….how do I give up doing what I have done for so long?

After much prayer and consideration I joined Weight Watchers last week. Of all the “diets” I have been on WW worked for me…because … like their ad - “its not a diet…its a lifestyle”.

I spent most the day on Friday looking up healthy recipes and making a meal plan for everyday. I had to make a grocery list and think in advance of what my days would look like. I cried. And then I cried some more. I like doing what is easy. I like doing what I know. In the past I would make a grocery list but I already knew how to make my dinners…cheese, butter, fat, pastas, & a heavy sauce. This is so foreign to me…but I am determined to make this change. (*SIGH*…I don’t like change) I already had to face some challenges…like a chili cheese burger that seems to be calling my name but then I immediately think of John…I see him 5 or 6 years old wanting to go on a ride at Six Flags and I have to tell him no because I am too fat to fit into the ride. I have to make this change.

Today is day 4. I feel like an alcoholic. “ Hello…my name is Tina…and I am a fatty-fat. I have been without fat for 4 days…I am starting to have the shakes and the desire to gorge but I am praying for God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Well…I better go. John and I are about to walk to my folks house - exactly 1.4 miles. One day at a time Sweet Jesus.